The Hardest Choice (Is the one we should never have to make)
by Dream's steam
Summary: When Steve thought Bucky was dead, he could love him as a memory, and move on slowly with Tony. Now ? He loved two men, and he had to choose which one he wanted, and quick, before Bucky woke up. Of all the choices that Steve had to make in his life, this was undeniably the hardest. (Happy ending eventually)
1. The Undeniable

Hello everyone, it's a fanfic I already started publishing on AO3 and since it made so much views in only a day I thought you might like it too, dear ffnet user. :)

Now, about that story... Well the three main characters are Bucky Tony and Steve.  
I know most people hate captain america. Well I don't, but I must warn you, he will act like a jerk in most of this story ( SPOILER it gets better at the end). Bucky... Well it's complicated, I am still figuring it out. He will struggle with the winter soldier. A little or a lot ? I don't know yet. Tony in this story is selfless and caring, but defensive, and his trust is shattered.  
The three will end up dating (each other, yup a threesome) but I don't write sex or smut or whatever, so if you came for that... Sorry ^^"

Ok have a good time reading my story, I'll post the next chapter next week, or sooner if I get a lot of positive feedback ! (if I don't I will have to rework on it coz come on I'm not gonna publish trash)

 **oOoOoOo**

Chapter 1 : The Undeniable.

Tony and Steve loved each other. There was no questions about it. Even when they disagreed on things, even when they woke the other up in the middle of the night with their nightmares, even when they had to battle their demons, even when they lost. Through it all, there was always one constant : Steve and Tony loved each other.

Despite being the "star spangled man with a plan" there was one thing Steve never, ever planned : Bucky's return.

And yet here he was. Just standing there. Steve could not believe it.

"Bucky ?"

And then the world came crashing down.

"Who the hell is Bucky ?"

* * *

"Tony ! We need to help him ! I know you can invent the technology to erase all the brainwashing !" Steve pleaded.

Tony sat on one of his table in his workshop, arms crossed and brow furrowed. He was worried, Steve could see it. Gently, the super soldier took the inventor in his arms and pressed a kiss on his neck. "I love you, Tony. Please. Bucky is important to me."

Two weeks later, Tony had invented the first unbrainwashing device in history, and the Winter Soldier was dragged out of his cell to a cold, securised medical room.

* * *

The treatment lasted a month.

During that month, Steve refused to step away from the one sidded glass of the medical room, where Bucky sat on a chair, under a weird machine he could not begin to understand, but he knew he could trust it to cure Bucky, because Tony made it.

During that month, Tony made sure to check on his lover as often as he could. The other side of the bed was cold at night, and his nightmares came back, but the genius noticed how the lights behind Steve's eyes shined brighter than he had ever seen it.

During that month, Steve realized that he had to make a choice. He and Bucky had been dating for years before Bucky fell. And now Steve had finally found it in himself to fall inlove again, even though his love for Bucky never died. However loving two men had never been a problem before now, because when Steve thought Bucky was dead, he could love him as a memory, and move on slowly with Tony. Now ? He loved two men, and he had to choose which one he wanted, and quick, before Bucky woke up. If Bucky woke up, and Steve still hadn't made his choice, then Captain America would find himself dating two men at the same time, and he would lose both of his loves.

Of all the choices that Steve had to make in his life, this was undeniably the hardest.

 **oOoOoOo**

So, what did you think ? Did that make you want to read what happens next or is it boring ? Tell me what you think in the comments, constructive criticism is welcome since it helps me grow as a writer ^^


	2. There is no other way

Hello ! I forgot to post the last chapters on here so here you go, three chapters at once !

 **oOoOoOo**

Tony entered the room where Steve had lived for the past twenty days. All the super soldier did of his days was stare at Bucky Barnes. Tony would have considered creepy if he didn't know how inseparable those two used to be. Of course, he knew the relationship between him and Captain America would never be the same after Bucky's return, but he also knew that he and Steve loved each other, no matter what and through it all.

"Hey stevie ! I have a good new and a bad new. Which one first ?"

"Bad." Answered Steve, looking bored. Tony frowned, wondering what was wrong, but decided to ignore it.

"Ok, so the cure will last longer than expected..." The inventor really hoped Steve wouldn't take it badly.

"hm." Tony's frown deepened at the short answer.

"But the good new is that we are making progress, and the doctors are confident that Bucky will be able to recover completely !"

Steve's face suddently lit up, but still he didn't even turn to look at his boyfriend.

"So I will get my Bucky back ?" He asked, hopeful, still staring at Barnes through the one-sided glass.

But the genius was no longer watching him, instead, he was lost in thoughts. 'My' ? 'My Bucky'..?

Tony stood there for a few seconds, and then left the room, stopping at the door to say "I love you"

He waited a few seconds for an answer than never came.

* * *

As soon as his boyfriend left the room, Steve let out a sorrowful sigh.

"There is no other way" He murmured to himself.

His choice was made. Steve decided to choose Bucky. They had been together for years, while his relationship with Tony had only started a few months ago. Bucky knew everything about Steve's weaknesses and he still loved him, even before the superserum, while Steve could never know for sure if all Tony saw in him wasn't only Captain America. Plus, Tony was a playboy, he would be alright, Steve was pretty sure Tony never loved him anyway. (And if that was a lie he told himself to make himself feel better about his choice, that was no one's buisness but his)

Bucky was going to wake up in a new world, a world that hates him for things he hasn't done and probably won't even remember doing. Bucky was going to need him from the moment he opened his eyes again.

He stood up from the uncomfortable chair he had been sitting in for days, and walked to the glass, putting one hand on it and watching the doctors read the machine's screen, which was out of view. Now he had to break up with Tony, and make sure Tony knew Steve didn't love him anymore. But Steve was worried that if the genius discovered that he left him for Bucky, Tony would take it out on Barnes, who would once be hated for something that wasn't his fault.

So Steve did what he did the best : he made a plan.

 **oOoOoOo**

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	3. I will be so fucking rude

Steve's plan was easy.

"I never wanted you" The super soldier heard himself spit. "You're just a playboy who wanted to add Captain America on his list !"

"Come on Steve... You know that's not true ! I love you !" Came the broken answer from Tony.

'I know !' Steve screamed inside, wanting to cry. But for once, he was the one wearing the mask of iron. Bucky needed him. Tony was going to be just fine. Right ?

"No, you know what, I have had enough of you. I thought I could make you better, but you look at you !" Steve pointed to the bottle Tony had just grabbed from the bar, and held in his shaking hands. "How many bottles a day, uh ?"

"N-none. You're just upsetting me Steve... Why are you saying all this ? Is something wrong ?"

Steve could see how hard Tony was trying to avoid the argument.

"Yes !" The blond screamed, making Tony flinch.

'Oh god, he is afraid of me' Thought Steve, feeling his heart breaking painfully.

"W-what is it ?"

"YOU !" Tony took a few steps back, dropping the bottle, letting it shatter on the floor. Steve forced himself to take a few steps forward. "YOU WERE ALWAYS THE PROBLEM ! I NEVER WANTED TO DATE YOU !"

"Then why did you ?" Asked Tony, and Steve hated how the inventor's voice was so small and stranggled. But what he hated even more, was the answer he was about to give him. It made him feel nauseous.

"Because I loved your father. It was always him. Never you. I never loved you, Tony."

The genius closed his eyes for a few seconds then, and when he reopenned them, there was anger burning inside of them, like a wildfire.

"What does he have that I don't ?" The inventor growled.

It was Steve's turn to take a step back, scared that Tony was talking about Bucky. Tony took a step forward.

"ANSWER ME ! WHAT DID MY DAD HAVE THAT MADE HIM SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME IN CAPTAIN AMERICA'S EYES ?!"

But Steve didn't know what to say. Howard wasn't better than Tony, it was the other way around. It was obvious. So that's what he said.

"The answer is obvious, Tony."

And then he left. Because there was no answer, except the one he couldn't give : Howard had nothing that Tony hasn't, and Tony had everything and more. Tony was perfect in his own way, Tony was one half of Steve's heart, Bucky being the other half. And Steve had just broke both Tony's and his own heart with his plan.

As he came back to his former bedroom, the one he had abandonned to settle in Tony's room instead, Steve could feel hot tears streaming down his face, and his heart hurt everytime he breathed. As if simply being alive pained him. And if Steve was being honest to himself for once, it actually did.

This should have been an easy plan.

 **oOoOoOo**

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	4. Wrong Time

Tony sat on the uncomfortable chair on the other side of the one-sidded glass, watching Bucky.

It had been 92 days since they started getting the Winter Soldier out of Bucky's head.

It had been 70 days since Steve had broke up with him. 70 days of heartbreak, 70 nights spents crying into his pillow and waking up from horrifying nightmares. 70 days spent hoping that Steve would reach out, appologize, ask to be forgiven (and Tony would probably forgive him, because he loves him). 70 nights spent trying to convince himself that the next day he will wake up to a sleeping super soldier, discovering that this nightmare was just a dream. 69 mornings revealing the ugly truth : this is real, this Tony's life now.

And on top of that, the only week on which Steve had been called on a mission he could not refuse, also happened to be the week that Bucky decided to wake up.

It was a slow process of course, but it had started a few hours after Steve's departure, and Tony had immediately been informed of the new progress. The doctors had estimated that Bucky would open his eyes on Thursday, two days later.

So here he was, Tony Stark, behind the one-sidded glass, refusing to let his ex-boyfriend's BFF wake up alone.

A doctor entered the room and said quietly : "He is waking up, sir."

Tony nodded and stood up, not even bothering to grab a gauntlet or any weapon on the way to Bucky's room. If the Winter Soldier woke up and killed him, it didn't really matter, no one would miss him. Not anymore.

Tony took a seat on the chair that had been put next to the bed, and sighed. Seriously, Bucky had to choose the ONLY week when Steve wasn't available. And now he was stuck here, waiting for...

"Howard ?"

* * *

The first thing Bucky heard was a sigh. It wasn't a sigh of contentment, though. It was a tired, sorrowfull sigh. One of the ones only broken men knew how to make. His first thought was a confused desire of holding that man into his arms and comfort him. His second thought was about Steve. Was he alright ? That punk better have survived, or Bucky would him bring back from the dead just to kill him again. Slowly, Bucky opened his eyes, find himself staring at the ceiling of what seemed to be a strange hospital room. There was a weird machine hanging from the ceiling. Bucky hoped no one had made more experiments on him, the only thought of it making him shiver. That's only then that he registered that he felt no pain. Not even a headache... And... Didn't he lose his arm ? Without moving his head, he glanced at his left arm. It was made of metal. How cool. He didn't know doctors could do that.

Wait. Doctors could definitely not do that, he would have known.

Bucky then glanced at his right, and there, sitting next to his bed but turning his back on him, sat Howard Stark. Of course. The man must have invented some sort of new prosthetic made of metal. He was a genius. But something looked.. Wrong. The man next to him was Howard... But not quite. Was it an hallucination ?

"Howard ?"

The man startled and turned to face him, eyes open wide in fear for a short moment.

And that was not Howard.

Bucky frowned.

"Who are you ?" He asked in a soft voice, feeling like this man was terrified and ready to flee the room at any moment. And that wouldn't do because Bucky needed answers.

The Howard look alike man stared at him with his big chocolate brown eyes, and asked :

"What is the year, Barnes ?"

"You didn't answer my question. Who are you ?" The soldier insisted. Something was wrong. He could feel it. Something was so, so very wrong here.

"I am Tony. Tell me, when are we ?"

"We're in 1945. Right ? Or was I in a coma ? Is it the 50s now already ?"

The man looked away awkwardly and mumbled something Bucky couldn't pick up.

"What ?"

"I said : we're in 2014, old man"

Bucky laughed as he sat on his bed. He felt strangely fine considering he just woke up in a hospital. "So you're a joker ? Bucky Barnes, by the way." He said, extending his right hand towards the man, who took it.

"Tony Stark. I took the liberty to make you a better arm while you were sleeping. Oh, and it's not a joke. Welcome to the future." The guy was smiling, but Bucky could see the concern behind his eyes.

And that could only mean one thing, he realized as his smile disappeared.

This was true. And if it was true then it meant that... That Steve was...

"Steve !" He couldn't help the stranggled cry that escaped his mouth.

New Stark's eyes widened.

"No no no no ! Don't worry about your bestie, Barnes ! He is fine. He survived too, he is on a mission right now."

"Wha...? How old is he ?" Bucky was just confused now. Steve must be around 100 years old now.. And people still sent him on missions ?! Were they nuts ?!

"I'd say 21 ? Yeah something like that." Wondered Stark aloud.

Bucky stared at him for a moment, and then decided that his life was just crazy like that. So he was in the future, and Steve was still as young as he had been last time he saw him. What about that guy who looks like Howard ? Howard didn't seem like the kind of guy to want kids...

"So, you're a Stark ?"

"Yup. Howard's my dad."

"You didn't seem pleased to be called by his name"

"Oh no I was just surprised, since he is hm." Tony paused, eyeing him carefully. Bucky understood before Stark told him. "He is dead. I try not to think about him too much." Bucky frowned slightly. New Stark was lying about the reason why he didn't want to talk about his father.

They changed the subject, then, and Tony Stark started talking about his arm, as well as all the new technologies in the future, and then he told Bucky about the super heroes, and he was half way into explaining the Hulk and Bruce Banner when the door slammed opened, revealing Captain America.

"Bucky." Said Steve, out of breath.

"Steve." Replied Bucky, grinning.

 **oOoOoOo**

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 **Next chapter tomorow is named : All the things I want to say**


	5. All the things I want to say

"You can get out, now" Steve told Stark in a cold tone.

Bucky's eyes widened in surprise : he would have thought that Steve would get along well with a Stark. Tony was just as charming as his father – if not more – after all. Even Bucky could see that after spending only an hour with the new Stark.

Without a word, Stark stood up and left, stopping in front of Steve to glare at him for a few seconds.

* * *

As soon as they were alone, Steve ran to Bucky and hugged him tighly.

The supersoldier buried his face in Bucky's hair and fought back tears.

He wanted to say 'I love you' over and over. But it was probably too soon. Or too late, depended of how one would look at it. However one thing was certain : it was not the time. So instead, Steve settled for : "I missed you"

"I missed you too punk." Replied Bucky, voice thick with emotions.

Oh, how much Steve had missed this voice.

They stayed like this for a long time, just holding onto each other. Steve closed his teary eyes and listened to Bucky's heartbeat. Each beat seemed to sing Bucky's survival. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive.

When they broke the embrace, they both had wet eyes, and Steve wondered if Bucky had been listening to his heart too. He smiled sadly, and Bucky returned it.

"So, is it true ? We're in the future ?"

Steve gave him a short laugh.

"Yeah. It's crazy but it's real. And I understand you, believe me. I lived it too. What's the last thing you remember ?"

Bucky's grey eyes darkened as he went quiet for a few seconds, staring at the white wall in front of him. He looked troubled and confused.

Just when Steve was about to ask if he was alright, Bucky finally answered.

"The train. I fell. I should have died but... I survived. I lost an arm, left one. I was in so much pain, and everything was so cold around me that I stopped shaking. I was dying. Did you find me ? Why... How am I still alive ?"

Steve frowned. He had theories, but he didn't want to torment Bucky. If the man had some time to adapt to the future before he started remembering the Winter Soldier, that was a gift.

"I don't know, Bucky. I don't know. But let's focus on the fact that you are, alright ? Plus, you got a new arm."

Bucky smiled widely at the mention of the arm, and he moved in front of him, watching the metal move smoothly and silently. Then, he turned to the blond.

"Yes. Tony made it. I like this guy !"

Steve frowned at the mention of Tony, and Bucky seemed to notice it.

"Hey Steve, why aren't you getting along with Stark ?" Oh no. Steve didn't have any plan for this situation. Bucky kept going, seemingly thinking out loud. "I'd have thought you would make friends with Howard's son, I mean, it seems like he is a great person, a lot like his fath-" NO. Anger exploded in Steve's chest.

" Tony is nothing like his father" he growled.

Bucky seemed to understand that this was a battle already lost. He held his hands up jokingly and changed the subject, asking about Peggy. They both decided that Bucky could move to Steve's room, at least for the next few days.

* * *

That night, Bucky woke up from a nightmare he could not remember. Steve, by his side, watched him with sorrowfull eyes. Noticing that, Bucky directed a sad smile at him.

"Hey Stevie, don't be sad. Don't regret the past. We are not who we were before. I am not the Bucky you knew." 'But I still want to protect you and mother hen you and I love you so, so much' he almost added, but decided otherwise at the last second.

"Who are you, then ?" Questionned Steve quietly, and Bucky didn't understand why it sounded like Steve feared the answer.

"Well... I'm still trying to figure that out."

* * *

Steve woke up to lips pressed against his.

They were familiar, but they didn't feel like Tony's, which made him frown, confused.

"This okay ?" Came a slightly insecure, deep and quiet voice. Bucky ?

And then Steve remembered it all.

The Winter Soldier, Bucky, Tony, the choice. The heartbreak that followed. The blond opened his eyes sharply, trying desperatly to avoid the memory of Tony's broken ones.

Bucky was on top of him, watching him silently. His eyes were narrowed on his face. He had noticed Steve's struggle, and judging by his expression, he thought it was his fault.

"You okay, Stevie ? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Kissed you, I mean. Let's forget it, yeah ?" Bucky said while getting off of Steve.

"No !" Steve protested instantly, grabbing Bucky's flesh arm and pulling him down again to crash his lips against Bucky's in a rough, but meaningful kiss. The kiss then softened before they pulled back a few moments later. They were both smiling, and their faces were so close that Bucky's dark hair was tingling Steve's cheeks. "No." Repeated the blond tenderly.

"I take it we're still together then, punk ?" Bucke's tone was playful, but Steve could see the worry in his lover's eyes.

"Of course we are, jerk." Grinned the super soldier.

And for the first time since he woke up, Bucky didn't look so lost anymore.

Don't forget to leave reviews to tell me what you think about it !

* * *

Review ?


	6. Asset

I'm not getting any reviews... I'm sad.

 **oOoOoOo**

The first time Tony tried to reach out to Bucky, he had made sure Steve was out of the Tower and then he had made pancakes, before asking JARVIS to tell Bucky to come to the communal floor.

Bucky had shown up a few minutes later, still looking sleepy. It had made Tony laugh, and it had starled him. He had realized that he didn't remember when was the last time he had laughed before that. Bucky had looked at him strangely, before focusing on the pancakes.

Tony had opened his mouth to start conversation, maybe ask Bucky if he needed anything, or if his metal arm felt alright, but at that same instant the door had slammed open, revealing Captain America, still sweaty from his morning run.

"Get. Out." The blond supersoldier had growled between gritted teeth as soon as he had noticed Tony.

"What's wrong, punk ?" Had asked Bucky, confused, at the same time as Tony had shot back : "This is my tower, if someone should get out, it's you."

Steve and Tony had glared at each other for what felt like hours, completely ignoring a very confused Bucky who didn't know what to do.

"Come on Bucky, let's go." Had finally spit Steve.

And they had left.

* * *

That night, Steve had left a letter in Tony's room. Tony had had to close his eyes for a few seconds to fight back the memories they had shared in that bedroom. Then he had picked up the letter.

It read : "Don't go near Bucky again, or you will regret it. -S.R."

* * *

Steve could not sleep. Tony had found out about the true reason why he had left him. He knew it was because of Bucky, and now the genius wanted to get his revenge, he wanted to hurt Bucky. Well Steve would not let him. He would defend Bucky until his last breath.

The second time Tony tried to talk to Bucky, it was out of concern. He wanted to check that the arm was working well. So he told JARVIS to wait for Bucky to be alone before asking him to come down to the workshop.

He didn't have to wait too long. Merely an hour later the supersoldier was standing in his workshop, looking a little lost. He was looking around at all the robots and screens and Tony could see the confusion and wonder in his eyes. Bucky was way too cute, it almost hurt to look at something so perfect. Just as the thought went through the genius' head, Bucky's eyes narrowed on him, and for a moment the inventor seriously feared that Barnes had mind reading habilities he never told anyone about.

"You look tired. And sad." Stated the man. "You need to eat and sleep."

Tony was startled, and for a moment he didn't know how to respond. No one ever looked at him long enough to notice anymore. Not even Pepper, or Rhodey. Or maybe no one wanted to notice, because then they'd have to take of him, and he would become even more of a pain in their ass.

Then he put on his media smile and laughed.

"You're a funny guy, Barnes. So, I wanted to see you to check on your metal arm, would it be ok for me to open it and see if everything is in place ? I promise it won't hurt. Well unless something's broken, then I can't promise anything. By the way do you like it ? It can feel temperature and touch and pain, because most people think feeling pain is a flaw, but it's actually an asset."

Bucky suddenly flinched.

Words and screams of pain were echoing in his head.

 _"The Asset."_

 _"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !"_

 _"-ter Soldier."_

 _"Ready to comply"_

 _Russian words and sentences he could not comprehend. A dark, menacing laugh._

 _"Asset."_

 _"Mission."_

 _"Sergeant James Barnes..."_

 _"-eady to comply"_

 _Bucky's head hurt. He took a step back from the man in front of him, and he looked around him, searching for something, anything to ease the pain and make the voices leave. When he looked back at the man, he saw Howard Stark. The mess of words and sounds in his head got even louder then._

 _Russian words. He could understand them. They said :_

 _"Good morning soldier."_

 _"Ready to comply" No._

 _"I have a missiong for you" NO._

 _"Sanction and extract." NO !_

 _"No witnesses."_

This time Bucky screamed for real.

Strong arms were restraining him, he felt trapped. What was happening, why was he trapped ? Did they get him again ? Did someone stop him before he killed Howard ?

"BUCKY ! BUCKY COME BACK TO REALITY ! BUCKY IT'S ME IT'S STEVE !"

"Steve ?" He croaked, confused.

"Yes, yes it's me Bucky. Are you.. Yourself ?"

Bucky frowned. What a strange question.

"Where is Howard ?" He asked instead of answering.

"Howard ?" Repeated someone from behind him. "Howard's dead. Barnes, you're more than 70 years later, did you forget ?"

"I killed him." Replied Bucky in a trembling voice. He didn't know why he said that, but it felt like the truth. "I remember it." Parts of it. "They told me to kill him"

"Bucky. Bucky this is nonsense. You're in shock, look at you, you're shaking like a leaf. You don't know what you're saying. He doesn't know what he is saying, Tony."

Bucky didn't say another word, letting Steve guide him to their room.

* * *

Tony let himself fall on the ground and just sat there, watching the two supersoldiers walk out of the workshop.

"JARVIS, investigate on my parents' death, and try to spot any link to the Winter Soldier."

"Yes, sir."

Tony didn't sleep that night.

* * *

Steve was running his fingers through Bucky's hair, wishing he could comfort Tony too. He saw the look on the inventor's face, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that Tony triggered a flashback about Howard in Bucky's mind. What Bucky had said... It was most likely the truth. But it wasn't Bucky. It was the Winter Soldier.

Now, Tony was going to hate Bucky even more. Steve needed to give him a real warning this time, since the first one hadn't been effective.

Slowly, he got out of the bed and went to his living room, careful not to wake Bucky.

He then pulled out his phone and called Stark.

It didn't take long for the genius to answer.

"What do you want from me, Cap ? Answers ? Because yes. Yes the Winter Soldier killed my parents."

Steve's eyebrows shot up. Well, that was a way to pick up the phone.

"I called to tell you to never get close to Bucky again. You triggered his flashback today. It's your fault. Always has been."

His voice was softer than what he had wanted it to be, but he decided to ignore it.

It killed Steve to say all that. But it was necessary. It was for Bucky's safety, because Tony must hate him : Bucky stole his parents, and his lover. Who wouldn't hate someone who did that to them ? Tony was a threat to Bucky. Tony wasn't even getting that hurt, because Tony never loved him, he loved Captain America. Captain America was a prize for the inventor, the hero from the past that Howard surely never stopped telling his son about. Tony would never have loved him back then when he was just a kid from Brooklyn.

When Tony didn't answer, Steve added in a dark, threatenning tone.

"This is your second and final warning."

* * *

A review ? Please ?


	7. Watching

Since he woke up several weeks ago, Bucky had heard a lot of things about the avengers. He knew they were powerful, he knew that Stark and Steve were on the team, and he knew that they were probably going to want to recruit him once he was proved stable.

Steve had told him about the other members, and Bucky looked forward to finally meeting them. However the team had judged it better and safer to let Bucky adapt to the new century in peace, without the pressure of social integration, so they had left for Barton's farm.

Right now, he was laying on his and Steve's bed, his flesh fingers running through the blond's hair slowly. Steve had fallen asleep shortly after he started doing that, so Bucky didn't stop, in fear of waking him up.

Steve had been the only person he had had any contacts with in the last two weeks, except the doctors of course. They said that he seemed to be experiencing flashbacks of his life as the Winter Soldier, and that it was a normal reaction.

Steve had had to explain him who the Winter Soldier was, and the conversation had ended when Bucky had ran to the bathroom to vomit.

For hours Steve would tell him over and over again that it wasn't him, it wasn't his fault, it was the Winter Soldier's, that no one blamed him for what the Winter Soldier had done – who he had killed - under the orders of Hydra.

And everytime Bucky would reply : "So you think Stark doesn't blame me ?"

And it never failed to end the conversation, since they both knew Tony blamed Bucky, they didn't need to ask the genius to know that.

Bucky was terrified of what the government would decide to do with him. Execute him ? Throw him in a maximum security prison ? Torture him for information ? Experiment on him ? Bucky shivered. The last one was the worst.

"Bucky, you think too loudly, I can't sleep" Mumbled a very cute looking and very sleepy Captain America next to him.

"Sorry punk." Grinned Bucky, not sorry at all.

The blond punched him playfully and they laughed. It reminded Bucky of how they were before it all, and he should have felt pain, but all he could feel was hope.

"Okay, time for breakfast, Buck. You're meeting the others today."

Bucky's eyes widened comically.

"I am... What ?" He demanded.

Steve laughed, getting out of bed.

"You're meeting the others today. They called yesterday but I didn't tell you because you wouldn't have slept."

Bucky stared at him for a moment, and then nodded slowly, a small smile in his lips. "I can't really deny that."

It was true, he was very anxious about meeting other people, especially people who knew about the Winter Soldier. He was terrified of spotting fear and mistrust in their eyes.

Steve put a hand on his shoulder and smiled gently at him.

"Come on, Bucky, don't be scared. They will absolutely love you, trust me."

"You'll stay with me ?" He asked, really hoping the answer would be yes, but he knew Steve wanted him to handle it on his own.

The Captain sighed.

"Listen, I trust them with my life. I trust them with you too. I swear, everything will go fine. I just want them to meet you, and only you. Not the 'Captain America's best friend' you."

This is why Bucky found himself watching TV without being able to focus on it, on the communal floor, alone, waiting for the avengers to arrive. And that's how Clint and Natasha found him.

"Is that how Steve treats his guests then ?" Asked Hawkeye, making Bucky startle and turned around quickly to assess the situation.

There were two strangers in the room. Well, not strangers. More like new people he already knew a lot about. These persons were Natasha Romanov and Clint Barton, superspies and avengers. Bucky noticed that they were studying him too, but he saw no mistrust in their eyes, and a weight seemed to disappear from above his chest at that observation.

The supersoldier wondered briefly where the other avengers were, but quickly figured they had decided not to crowd him.

"Hi" He said, hoping he wasn't being rude. His people skill were rusty.

"I'm Bucky" He added as an afterthought.

"Natasha Romanov, nice to meet you" Replied the woman, not making any move to come nearer.

The man crossed the room and sat next to him on the couch.

"I'm Clint. Clint Barton. So, what are you watching ?"

Bucky stared at him, mouth open. This guy was fearless. The bowman wasn't even tense at the idea of being sat right next to the Winter Soldier. Barton, who had focused on the screen for a few seconds, must have found the lack of answers weird, because he turned to Bucky again, frowning.

"Is there something on my face ?"

Bucky opened his mouth, closed it, looked away, and opened it again while studying the ground intently.

"Whyaren'tyou'fraidofme ?" He mumbled under his breath.

"What ?" Barton asked. Bucky was about to repeat what he just said when he felt a hand clap on his back, making the soldier in him flinch and prepare to fight. "Of course we're not afraid of you, Barnes ! Why would we ? We'd see it if it was the Winter Soldier in the room, and we would handle it. Tasha and I made plans to contain him if he ever came back, but really, since Tony made the tech that cured you, I don't think he will ever come back, and that was a LOT of talking help me out Nat I think I broke him."

"Already ?" Chuckled Natasha, and WOW. That was way closer than where she had been before. Bucky stopped staring at Barton to locate the redhead, only to find her right behind the couch, smiling down at them.

"You're scary." He stated.

Barton laughed. "Oh yeah she is. Awesome isn't it ?"

Bucky stared at him some more and nodded.

"I think we're going to be very good friends, Barnes." Said Romanov happily, settling on the couch on the other side of Bucky.

"Call me Bucky" He told them.

"Well use our first names too then, Buck" Bar-Clint replied. "JARVIS, put on mario kart, I wanna introduce Bucky to something useful."

"Mario kart is not useful, Clint" Natasha argued, sighing. It sounded like it wasn't the first time she said that.

Clint grinned at Bucky "Mario kart is very useful because it's the only game on which I can beat Natasha without her saying it's because I'm a sniper so it doesn't count"

Bucky smiled, amused.

* * *

Tony Stark was curled up on his couch, eyes fixed on the big screen on one of the walls. The screen was split in two. One of them showed Bucky playing video games with two superspies, and on the other, Steve was drawing.

Tony pretended not to see that it was a drawing of him, smiling.

* * *

[A few months ago, late at night]

Steve sat in their bed, drawing a man with dark brown hair, soft grey eyes, and a genuine, affectionate smile on his lips.

"Hey Steve ?" Called Tony, who was resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder, watching the blond move the pen on the paper expertly.

"Yes dear ?" Answered the supersoldier, not looking up from the paper.

"What do you like to draw ?"

There was a short silence while Steve thought about it.

"I like to draw the things that I miss the most."


	8. And Still, You Love Him ?

"Come on Stark, are you afraid of losing ?" Had asked Barnes, and Tony could see the fear of rejection behind the grey eyes.

He knew that feeling.

"Okay, but just one, and don't tell Cap."

* * *

The third time Tony approached Bucky, Steve saw red.

The blond had walked in on them playing mario kart in the common room. They weren't even trying to hide.

For a moment, Steve had just wanted to join them, sit next to them and hug them both. And then he remembered. The Winter Soldier. Howard and Maria's death.

Tony was trying to gain Bucky's trust. Tony wanted revenge.

* * *

That night, Tony sat at his bar, drinking a glass of whisky, when JARVIS spoke up.

"Sir, I believe Steve Rogers is.."

And then the door flew open to reveal a very angry looking supersoldier. Tony put his glass down, regretting intensely giving in to Bucky's puppy eyes that morning.

"I WARNED YOU !" Roared Steve before punching him in the face, sending him to the hard floor. Pain shot through his whole face and back and he grunted, trying to get up.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET CLOSE TO HIM ! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK TO HIM ! YOU WILL NOT HURT HIM" Steve kicked him in the ribs. "YOU CAN'T HURT BUCKY ! HE IS EVERYTHING TO ME"

Tony spit blood before replying, looking Steve right in the eye. "So was I."

Steve seemed then to finally truly look at him, and to see the damage he's done. His furious expression turned into a horrified one, tears filling his eyes. "I'm sorry" He breathed, and he fled the room, leaving the inventor laying on the floor, covered in forming bruises.

The genius laughed bitterly, the action sending a wave of pure pain through his ribs.

"All this for a game of mario kart."

He stood up slowly and looked into the nearest mirror. He was going to have a phenomenal black eye. He carefully touched his ribs, and realized he was going to have to get Bruce to check on them without telling the other scientist how he got hurt. It's not like the others wouldn't notice the black eye, anyway. But he couldn't tell them it was the supersoldier. The blond was just doing what he thought was right. It was alright. Tony was alright. Steve just happened to love Bucky more.

And still, he loved Steve.

* * *

Steve ran to the gym.

Half a dozen destroyed punching bags later, he let himself fall on the floor and whimpered.

Why did it have to be so complicated ? Why did Tony have to hate Bucky ? Why was this Steve's life ? Having to protect one of his loves from the other...

And still Steve loved Tony. How could he love two persons at the same time ? How could he hurt one of them so much, just for the sake of the other's safety ?

"I hate myself" He whimpered again, hugging his knees and shutting his eyes, wishing his existence to cease.

A small eternity later, a hand touched his back lightly. "Stevie ? Are you okay ?"

Bucky. Steve opened his eyes and lifted his head, looking at his boyfriend through his tears. A question burned his tongue. He needed to ask.

"Bucky ?"

"Yes ?"

"Do you still love me ?"

"Yes."

'You wouldn't if you knew.' He thought, chest aching as if he was being stabbed.

* * *

The next morning, Tony sat in the infirmary, pouting.

"I don't want to tell you, Bruce !"

"And I won't work with you on anything, not a single project, as long as you don't tell me what happened." Replied the scientist, crossing his arms and frowning.

Tony could see his science bro was concerned, really, he could, but he also couldn't tell the truth. No one wanted Hulk to run after Steve through the tower, and then kill Captain America, because that was how it would end if Tony told the truth. So he settled for a lie.

"I picked a fight in a bar. I was drunk."

Bruce squinted his eyes at him, suspicious.

"I didn't see anything about it in the medias, and you don't drink that much anymore."

Tony shrugged.

"Well they can't find out every single time I mess up. The media would only be about Tony Stark if they did."

As Bruce ranted about not picking fights in bars, Tony realized how much he had, indeed, messed up. He wasn't sure exactly when he had done something wrong, but he must have, if Captain America himself was so angry at him. Surely, it was about Bucky, but Tony couldn't help it, he felt drawn to the quiet man. And it felt very much like... No.

So that was it. Steve found out and he was worried Tony would hit on his best friend. Or were there more ?

* * *

[The next night]

Clint, Natasha, Bruce, and Thor sat in Clint's living room.

"I'm worried about Tony. He came to me with a black eye and three broken ribs this morning. He said he picked a fight, but I looked at his hands, they're not even scratched : he didn't try to defend himself, he got beat up."

"Why would the man of iron let himself be injured ?"

"Perhaps... No." Started Clint.

Natasha nudged him with her foot, encouraging him to continue his idea.

"Perhaps he knew and liked the person who did this to him, and he didn't want to hurt them." the archer said in one breath.

Bruce's eyes widened in realization. "You don't think... No." Everyone held their breath, in fear of a Code Green.

"I am going to talk to Steve." Stated Natasha, and no one argued.

"By the way, anyone knows why they broke up ? Is it because of Bucky ?"

"I think so, yeah. And I actually think that Bucky and Steve are dating, but are very private about it. Maybe Bucky needs time to forget all the homophobia of their time."

"I wish Bucky would go away." Sighed Bruce. "I like the guy, but Tony's not the same. It's like all that's left is an empty shell."

The spies agreed.

Meanwhile, Thor wasn't paying attention. His eyes were on Bucky's. The soldier was standing in the shadows, listening to their conversation, and he looked utterly destroyed as he stared back at the god, silently pleading him not to reveal his presence.


	9. The Truth Lies In the Eyes

Bucky sat on the roof of the Avengers Tower, watching the dawn.

He hadn't been able to sleep that night after fleeing Clint's floor silently. JARVIS had taken him there when he had asked where the others were, instead of answering him. Bucky had decided to step out of the elevator and go see what everyone was doing on one of the other's private floor.

And then he had heard them talking about bruises on Tony. He had felt a wave of protectiveness towards the man, and had to control himself in order not to run to tend to the other man's injuries right then.

The most shocking thing he discovered, though, was that Steve had left those bruises. Or well, the other Avengers believed it was Steve. Bucky would investigate by himself later. He didn't really want to confront Steve, because if it wasn't Steve, it would hurt his boyfriend's feeling that Bucky doubted him like that.

He hadn't been prepared for what had happened next. He had been looking at them from the shadows and no one should have been able to spot him, but one second Bucky had been trying to read Natasha's body language to figure out if she was planning to hurt Steve or not, and the next Thor's eyes had been on him, studying him without revealing anything to the others, while Bruce was saying that Bucky should leave, that because of him Tony was suffering.

Bucky didn't know why it had affected him so much, but it had, and he was terrified of the others finding out that he heard all that conversation. The soldier had kept looking Thor in the eyes as he had fled into the shadows, trying to get him to keep quiet, but he didn't know the god, he had no way to know if he could trust him.

"Brother of Winter, I did not know you enjoyed sunlight"

Bucky startled. Thor. Why was he here ?

"Why wouldn't I enjoy it ?" He replied, turning to face the god.

Steve had told him that a serious Thor was a very rare sight. Right now, the god looked like someone had just died.

"Winter is not the season of the sun. I came to talk to you, son of Barnes. I believe we should discuss last night's events."

Bucky nodded. He felt like Thor was treating him like some sort of kid... But it wasn't really that. He could not find the word, but Thor was acting strangely. He was pretty sure Steve would have mentioned it if Thor had a big brother thing going on.

"Call me Bucky"

Thor smiled at him, sitting next to him on the edge. Their legs were dangling in the void, and it reminded Bucky of all the times he and Steve had sat like that to speak about everything that went through their heads and hearts.

"Bucky, why were you listening to us ? Were you spying on us ?" Questioned Thor, but it wasn't accusation the man from the 40s heard in his voice, it was genuine curiosity.

Bucky shook his head no.

"Why were you there, then ?"

" JARVIS took me there when I asked where the others were. Steve told me to socialize and make friends. I was just trying to spend time with you guys." Bucky mumbled, voice quiet. Something about Thor made him want to trust him, he felt protected and entirely accepted, which was weird since it was their first conversation.

There was a short silence during which both men just looked at the city below. People down there looked like ants from up here. It made Bucky realize once again how insignificant he was. His life is so short, and there are so many things he cannot do, so many things people made him do. He, Bucky Barnes, is insignificant, so insignificant that his body was turned into a weapon and his mind, almost erased.

"You remind me of my brother." Said Thor, out of the blue.

Bucky looked at the blond, intrigued. Steve never mentioned Thor had a brother.

"You have a brother ?"

It was Thor's turn to be surprised. "The others didn't tell you ? Well I guess that's better. They don't know him. They saw him while he was at his worst, and from what little informations I could gather, I think he had been tortured into submission by an entity far greater than all of us." Bucky shivered.

Thor paused, seemingly lost in thoughts.

"The Captain of America told me things about you. You have been forced to fight for your enemies. Soldier of Winter. Is that how they called you ?"

Bucky stared at him, surprised. Thor was the first one to talk to him about this. Most of the time he just pretended this part of him wasn't real, that it was just a big nightmare.

Faint voices echoed at the back of his mind, but Thor's strong one brought him back to reality quickly.

"I do not wish to make you remember this, brother of winter. I just wanted to tell you that I understand, and I am here if you need me. I will not judge you for what they made you do. I don't think any of our friends will."

Bucky avoided the god's eyes then.

"I think someone does blame me." He murmured.

"Who ?" Thor's voice was suddenly stronger, protective.

"Stark. He probably hates me, actually."

Thor grabbed Bucky's shoulder and waited for the soldier to look him in the eye.

"No way. My brother of iron is not the kind of person to hold hatred in heart, nor is he one to blame the innocent."

* * *

Bucky sat still in the bath, staring at the wall without really seeing it. He was thinking about Tony.

"Perhaps he knew and liked the person who did this to him, and he didn't want to hurt them."

"By the way, anyone knows why they broke up ? Is it because of Bucky ?"

So Tony and Steve used to date... Bucky frowned. Steve never told him that. However it would explain the tension between the two. But did Tony know that Bucky and Steve were together ? The two supersoldier wanted to stay private about it, out of habit. Back in the 40s, their relationship had to stay a secret, it was a matter of survival.

"I wish Bucky would go away."

Bucky closed his eyes so tight it hurt.

"I like the guy, but Tony's not the same. It's like all that's left is an empty shell."

Was it his fault ? Was it all his fault ? Was is because he returned ?

The soldier opened his eyes again. He had to fix this.

* * *

"Where are you going ?" Asked Clint, stepping into the elevator too.

"Wherever Stark is right now. I need to talk to him."

The bowman smiled approvingly. "You heard that JARVIS ? Take him to Shellhead." The elevator started moving. "Oh and Bucky ? Call him Tony, he doesn't like to be called Stark by his friends."

"I'm not his.." Protested Bucky just as the elevator stopped.

Clint clapped him on the back, gently pushing him towards the exit. "Yes you are. He made you an arm, no ? He only does that for people he cares about."

Bucky sighed as he stepped out of the elevator and away from Clint's comforting words.

It was true, Tony made the arm because he cared. But not about Bucky. About Steve.

He stopped at the glass doors. From here he could see the inventor tinkering in his workshop. Tony's movements were slow, and from time to time he stopped, putting a hand on his ribs. Were they broken ?

"Would you like me to inform sir of your presence ?"

Bucky jumped at the AI's voice.

"Hm, yes. Please."

He saw Tony's back tense suddenly. The AI must have told him who was at the door. Slowly, the genius turned around to face Bucky.

He had a black eye.

Bucky's throat tightened. Why did he feel so protective of that man ?

The doors opened.

"Hey, old man ! So what's wrong with your arm ?" Smiled Tony. But it looked fake and forced.

"Nothing's wrong with my arm. What's wrong with your eye ?" Tony's smile fell.

Bucky walked into the workshop, but didn't come near Tony. He felt like the genius didn't want him too close. He decided to look at all the robots and technology in the room, trying to look like this situation wasn't stressing him out.

"Nothing's wrong with my- oh you mean the black eye thing. Yeah, I got into a fight."

"Then why aren't your knuckles at least a little damaged ?" Asked Bucky, trying too sound genuinely confused, but it came out sounding like an accusation. He turned to the inventor to see his reaction.

"What are you implying, Barnes ?"

Bucky took a few steps forward, and now there was only a table between the two men.

"I'm just wondering why you didn't defend yourself. Where is your freezer ?"

For a few seconds, the genius didn't answer, and they just stared at each other while tension slowly filled the air.

Bucky knew that the billionaire was trying to come up with a believable lie, or a half truth that would get the soldier off his back.

"I just ran into an angry ex. You know, playboy and all that, it tends to annoy people a little bit." Tony shrugged, but his tone was dark, and his eyes, clouded with violent memories. Bucky knew what it looked like, he saw it every time he saw his face in a mirror.

"There is a freezer in the left corner, Sergeant Barnes" Said JARVIS.

"Thank you, JARVIS." Bucky made his way to the freezer and opened it.

Thankfully there was ice in it. The supersoldier took it and made his way to Tony, who was eyeing him warily.

"What are you doing, old man ?"

Bucky stood right in front of Tony now. It had been a while since they had been that close. The last time was when he woke up. Even when they had played mario kart together Tony had sat as far away as he could. He extended his metal arm to put the ice on the genius' eye.

And Tony flinched.

They both froze, looking each other in the eye, one terrified and fragile, the other surprised and hurt.

"I'm not going to hurt you" Let out Bucky, voice pained.

Tony took a few steps back.

"I know you won't."

"Then why are you afraid ?"

Tony glanced at the door. He wanted to run away. That was what Bucky made him feel. Bucky made him want to run away.

"I'm not afraid."

"Then let me put some ice on this eye"

"I can do it myself"

"It doesn't take a genius to know you won't, Tony"

"What did you just call me ?"

"Tony"

There was a short silence during which Tony just stared at the supersoldier, wary eyes full of unreadable emotions. And then, he slipped the mask back on.

"I will do it myself, Bucky, if it gets you to get out."

Bucky frowned. He didn't want to leave the inventor alone, and it didn't look like anyone was spending time with him these days. They might be all worried about him, but he didn't see anyone making him food or coming to the workshop to check on him.

And then he remembered his theory.

"Was it Steve ?"

Tony froze. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Is he the one who hurt you ?"

"Get out." Tony's lower lip was trembling, and his fists were clenched.

'So I was right. Time to go before I do more damage.' Realized Bucky, before leaving.

* * *

An hour later, the inventor was sat on a chair, staring at the melting ice, remembering grey concerned eyes and a quiet deep voice.

Someone had wanted to take care of him, and he had pushed them away. Nothing alarming, just the usual.

Then why was he so upset ? Why was he wishing Bucky would come back and put that damn ice on his damn black eye ? Why was he longing for that soft voice ?

It was almost the same feeling he got when he thought of Steve, but with Steve, it wasn't just dreams. It was memories, dozens of them, all of them sweet and warm and almost comforting, if he could forget the fact that they now belonged to a past he will never get to live again.

Oh god, how much he missed the past. Steve used to come down to the workshop and draw, listening to Tony's eternal rant about science. The blond used to bring food and coffee, and Tony used to stop working for a few minutes just to join Steve on the couch and cuddle with him. Sometimes he ended up falling asleep. Sometimes he woke up in their bed, with strong arms wrapped around him.

Now the workshop was silent and lonely. No one came down here anymore.


	10. Time Has Never Been a Friend

Steve was curled up under his sheets. He didn't want to see the world outside, he didn't want to talk to anyone, not even Bucky. He was so full of shame, of self hatred.

Flashes of the past kept haunting him, dead memories full of warm sunshine and laughter, but also darker ones, and those were the only ones that felt real.

 _Bucky in his uniform, smiling at him like everything would be alright._

It would not. The war was about to take him, to take them both.

 _Tony looking up from his work, his serious face melting into a loving one once his eyes settled on Steve._

Steve would never get to see that again.

 _Running after Bucky when they were still kids. Climbing on a tree, trying to get the highest they could, teasing each other and laughing._

Oh, how Steve missed his innocence. As tears troubled his vision, the memories started to blend together, sending Steve to a place somewhere between the past and the recent memories, but he could no longer tell the difference. He was lost.

 _Tony slipping on an oil stain on the ground and falling. Steve running to him, concerned, while the inventor couldn't stop laughing. So Steve had burst out laughing too_.

" _Thank you Buck, but I can get by on my own."_

 _Ironman falling towards the ground._

" _GRAB MY HAND !"_

" _Thing is.. You don't have to."_

 _A scream. Bucky. Gone. Just like that._

" _Bucky ?"_

 _"Big man in a suit of armor..Take that off, what are you ?"_

 _"You must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are."_

" _Who the hell is Bucky ?"_

" _Everything special about you came from a bottle."_

" _You've been asleep Cap. For almost seventy years."_

" _The world has changed, and none of us can go back."_

Steve wished he could just die already.

If only Bucky was there to comfort him. But he didn't deserve it after what he had done to Tony, and he hadn't seen the other supersoldier last night anyway. His lover had never come to bed. Bucky probably already knew.

There was a knock on his door. He didn't answer.

"Mister Rogers, Natasha Romanov wishes to come in."

He kept silent.

The door opened a few seconds later, and he heard light footsteps heading to the bed, before he felt Natasha's weight on the mattress as she sat next to him.

"Steve." She greeted.

"Nat." He answered, and his voice was raw from crying.

"What have you done, Steve ?" The question was asked in a soft voice, but it made strangled sobs shake Steve's frame.

"I fucked up. Oh gosh I fucked everything up" He cried. Tears started streaming down his face.

"What happened ?"

Steve cried harder.

"I hate myself !"

"Steve. What Happened." Natasha insisted.

"I'm awful, I, I had to choose, and I hurt him ! I hurt him and I'm still hurting him and I don't know what to do, oh my god I don't know what to do I'm so lost, I thought I was doing the right thing but now Ton-Tony is so broken and I thought he would be alright, I thought he didn't really love me, I tho-" Steve's voice died, and for several seconds he suffocated over the ball of emotions in his throat.

"I thought I loved Bucky more. But I love them both just as much." 'I want to die. I want to die. I want to die !' He wanted to add. But Natasha wouldn't care, she probably would tell him to go do it and release the world from the bully he had become.

Natasha didn't say anything for a few minutes.

"Is Tony alright ?" The blond asked in a small voice.

"Black eye, three broken ribs."

Steve whimpered. He was a monster. A fucking monster who should have stayed in the past, should have died in that plane.

"Does Bucky know ?"

"I don't know." Answered the spy.

"The others ?"

"Yes. I'm not sure they will want you around for the next few days, Steve."

* * *

When Steve finally poked his head out of the armor of sheets he had wrapped around himself to block out the world, there was no one in the room.

For the first time in his very long life, he felt truly alone.

* * *

 **Hey, everyone... So that's a lot of chapters in a day, right ? Four, isnt it ? But only one review... See the problem ? Problem is, readers these days, they never acknowledge the amount of work an author puts in a fanfiction. You all realize we're not paid, right ? And we don't just write for ourselves, that's bullshit. We write to publish it, to show it to our fandom, to get reviews and favorites and follows, we write to please you all, and personally, knowing that I made you feel something makes my day. But the thing is, I don't know that. Why ? Because you all never ever interact ! And yeah, i'm a bit bitter about this, because I spend hours on this, and while yeah, I love the process of writing, it's extremely disappointing when I see all those views and only 5 reviews for the whole work. It's just crazy. And then people wonder why I prefer the AO3 community. They still don't interact as much as they should, but at least they do it more.**

 **Ok rant over, you do whatever you want with this, but know that it's not just me who thinks that. I am speaking for all those authors out there who are so excited to publish a new chapter, and only get three reviews from their regulars. They'll end up giving up. Don't take them for granted. Don't take me for granted either. I'll repeat for the people in the back. DO NOT TAKE YOUR FANFIC AUTHORS FOR GRANTED.**

 **So maybe, exist as a reader for once, and leave a favorite, a review, even if it's a short one, even if it's to say that I suck and I should stop writing anyway, and follow if you don't want to miss any chapters. Better even, go on AO3, there are 20 chapters of the hardest choice there.**


	11. King

Bucky sat in the living room, watching the Lord of the Rings. He had been really happy to learn that Tolkien's masterpieces had been made into movies. The soldier hadn't seen Steve in the last couple of days, but he was ok with that. It had only been a dozen of days since he woke up, and he wanted to discover things and make friends by himself now. Maybe the other supersoldier had figured that out too.

"Hey Buck, catching up on all the pop culture ?" Called Clint as he walked in the room.

"Yeah. I like the books better though. I didn't picture the characters like that when I read them."

Clint sat down next to him on the couch and put his legs on his lap. Bucky tensed at the unexpected contact, but it felt nice, so he slowly relaxed.

He could feel the spy's eyes on him.

"Hey Buck, are you ok with being here ?"

The question startled the soldier.

"What ? Why ? Of course I am."

"Come on Buck, don't think we don't notice how you seem to avoid Steve and Tony as much as possible." Said Natasha, sitting on the other side of Bucky. The soldier startled.

"Is she always like that ?" Asked Bucky to Clint, who chuckled but didn't answer.

"Bucky, this is important. You need to know that you're not a prisoner here, you can get your own place."

The soldier suddenly remembered Bruce's words.

" _I wish Bucky would go away."_

" _I like the guy, but Tony's not the same. It's like all that's left is an empty shell."_

"I'm sorry. About Tony. I know it's my fault. You're right, I'll go." Bucky mumbled, staring at the floor.

"Natasha, this guy needs a hug." Stated the bowman very seriously. "THOR !" Clint called.

Bucky still refused to look up. He felt so guilty, Tony's black eyed face and sad eyes refused to leave his mind.

And then two strong arms lifted him from the couch and wrapped him in a hug.

And it felt... Bucky sighed. Nice.

"Brother of Winter, are you okay ?" Thor questioned, concerned.

Bucky put his chin on Thor's shoulder and returned the hug while observing the two spies, who were sharing glances.

"Bucky," Natasha sighed and waited for the soldier to look her in the eye. "This is about you. You need to know that you're free. You can get your own place and spend your days at the tower, or get your own place and just stay there all the time, or simply stay at the tower, and no one will judge your actions. You're free, Bucky."

Bucky opened his mouth, and closed it. He was still pressed against Thor and he felt protected, accepted even in his vulnerability. He felt like a little brother.

"Buck, we're not pressuring you into making any choice right now. You've got time. Take as long as you want to figure it out, okay ?" Clint looked so serious, Bucky wasn't used to see him like that. He had thought that the bowman was more of a joker.

"Okay" He repeated.

Thor released him only to guide him to the couch and settle between Natasha and Clint so that Bucky had now a bowman on one side, and a god on the other. When Natasha put her legs on all of the men's laps, Bucky felt a warmth blossom in his chest. These persons were his friends.

The soldier then refocused on the movie, but not for long.

"I wish to see one of those spies movies !" Boomed Thor out of the blue.

Clint burst out laughing. "Why the fuck would you want that, Thor ?"

"I must learn about my friends' work !" Replied Thor, beaming at Clint and Bucky. Behind him, Natasha smirked and talked to Clint in sign language.

'Show him the crappiest one possible' she signed.

Bucky kept his face blank, deciding to hide the fact that he knew sign language for now.

"Alright big guy, I know just the movie to show you !" Clint told Thor.

They watched something about a man on a 'secret' mission with the maturity of a ten years old destroy everything all the time and give his name to everyone he met. Talk about undercover.

Clint and Natasha weren't paying much attention to the movie, though. Out of the corner of his eye, Bucky could see her signing with Clint. They used a sign language only taught to spies because it was discrete. If one wasn't looking for it, they wouldn't even notice it.

How Bucky knew that language was a mystery.

'We can't let Bucky be on his own'

'We won't.' Clint replied

'He needs us to be there' Added Natasha. 'Look, how relaxed he is now'

Bucky had trouble hiding his blush. They were talking about him. He didn't like being the center of attention, but at the same time it meant they cared.

"I want to be a spy !" Boomed Thor, making Clint and Bucky jump. Natasha only raised an eyebrow.

* * *

Two days later, Bucky ran into Tony. Neither of them had been paying attention.

Bucky was haunted by the cruel voices again, and the scream of terrified people. People he had killed.

Tony was focused on his Starkpad, trying to think of a more effective way of building Clint's explosive arrows, and avoid anything that had to do with any supersoldier.

The choc would have sent Tony to the ground if Bucky hadn't catched him. But what followed was a total mess.

* * *

It was Thor who found them.

Tony curled up against one wall of the corridor, shaking, eyes and cheeks wet with tears, and his breathing was jerky. He wasn't really there. Thor knew that look, he had seen it on way too many warriors : his brother of iron was stuck in terrible memories.

Bucky sat against the opposite wall, looking straight ahead, but not seeing anything. It was the same look. Thor wondered what happened but decided that it wasn't the moment. He needed to help them.

"Brother of Winter ? Bucky ?" He asked first. He knew the man had a dark side, and that it was dangerous to ignore him to pay attention to Tony first. The god had to check if Bucky was himself.

Bucky turned an unfocused gaze on him, and said something in russian.

"He said : ready to comply" Translated Natasha.

Thor turned to her, surprised. He hadn't noticed her coming.

"JARVIS told me Tony is having a panic attack. I think Bucky is having trouble telling the past from the present. We might have to call for a code Winter."

"Code Winter ?" Repeated Thor while kneeling next to the supersoldier, who was staring at him with empty eyes.

"What is the mission ?" Asked the Winter Soldier.

Natasha took a few steps towards Bucky, placing herself between him and Tony.

"The mission is fall asleep." Natasha told him.

Immediately Bucky closed his eyes, and started slowing his breathing. Thor settled next to the Winter Soldier, determined to watch over his friend, but his eyes were on Tony.

"Will our brother of iron be alright ?" Questioned Thor.

Natasha was crouching next to Tony and speaking to him softly. She turned to nod at him before continuing to talk to the inventor about the date, the place and the recent events.

Slowly, the genius' eyes became more aware of the real world, and his breathing returned to normal.

"Tasha ?" He asked, confused.

"Yes. Are you okay, Tony ?" She replied, putting a hand on his cheek and another on his shoulder. She knew friendly touches from people he trusted comforted him.

"What happened ?" Tony was watching Thor and Bucky, who had fallen asleep and was now leaning against the god.

"I found you and our brother of winter in the corridor, you both were trapped in your pasts." Explained Thor quietly, so he would not wake Bucky.

"Did the Winter Soldier...?" Asked Tony, fearing the answer.

"Yes, but not quite. He was listening to orders, he didn't care that we weren't Hydra." Replied Natasha.

"Ok. Alright. We can work with that." Breathed Tony, already thinking of ways to totally and finally get rid of the Winter Soldier.

"I don't think it would be a good idea, Tony. The soldier is a part of him now. He is not who Steve used to know. It's pointless to try to turn Bucky back into was he used to be." Natasha said, squeezing Tony's shoulder in a comforting way.

Only then Tony realized just how vulnerable he was being right now.

"Ok uh, I'm gonna go, got work to be done and all that."

Thor frowned.

"I am not leaving one of my mind wounded brothers alone !" He boomed, making Bucky frown and move in his sleep.

Upon seeing that, Tony stood up and took a few steps away from the others.

"I will, uh, go work with Brucie then." He said in a shaky voice.

Natasha stared at him, reading him and his lie.

"I will check on that, you know. You better go to Bruce for real."

Tony's shoulders slumped. "Yes, mom." He sighed.

* * *

"Tony, are you okay ? What happened ? Natasha just called me to tell me you had a panic attack."

"Apparently I ran into Bucky." Replied Tony in a monotone voice. He was so tired.

Bruce frowned.

* * *

Clint was heading to the kitchen on the communal floor to see if he could steal some of Bruce's food – the scientist's food was the best – when he saw Thor and Bucky sitting against a wall. They seemed to be leaning against each other. Clint smirked when he realized they were asleep, and silently left the corridor to go get a few things.

He quickly made the flower crowns and put a few petals on their clothes and around them, before putting the crowns on their heads.

He took a few pictures, and then left them there, trying not to laugh too hard.

* * *

Bucky woke up to Thor laughing loudly.

"We have been crowned my friend ! Princes of flowers !" Laughed the god.

Bucky frowned, trying to hold back his laugh as he assessed the situation. They had indeed been crowned.

"I'm not the prince of flowers." He said in a dark tone.

Thor's smile disappeared, and he stared at Bucky in confusion.

"I'm the king of flowers." The soldier continued, very seriously.

They burst out laughing.

* * *

That night, Bucky went to Steve's room and stood in the doorway. Steve was curled up under the covers.

"You did it, didn't you ? You hit Tony." He asked the blond in a low voice.

There was a long silence.

"Yes." Steve's voice was hoarse. It sounded like he had spent the day crying.

"I'm going to move out of the Tower. Find an apartment somewhere, but not Brooklyn."

Steve didn't answer. After a while, Bucky left the room.


End file.
